Here are all the things I needed to change about myself to find love

I bet you have a list of things you think you need to “fix” about yourself before someone could really love you.

A list of your biggest failings.

The things that make you unlovable.

I know I did.

Here were the highlights:

1. I have to be thinner

2. I have to stop being too needy or too much

I firmly believed that these were the reasons that no one loved me the way I wanted to be loved.

I just wasn’t good enough yet.

I mean who could love me if I was too plump, too opinionated, and too needy?

I bet you have a list like this. 

In fact, I daresay that strong, confident women are more likely to have a list like this, because we’re perfectionists! 

But here’s what I wish I’d known then.

This is a list of the things I didn’t need to change about myself to be loved.

I didn’t need to lose weight or become less intense.

But…

I did need to heal something around both of these topics.

I needed to get into alignment with my values.

For example, even though I was leading a moderately healthy lifestyle (according to American standards), I was still engaging in behaviors that didn’t serve me like drinking alcohol more frequently than I wanted and eating too much sugar. 

I used the excuse that I wasn’t drinking too much or that I deserved these treats. But they were really just signs that I needed to self-soothe and that I was lacking some healthy boundaries with myself. 

When I finally got honest with myself, solutions started presenting that I hadn’t been able to implement previously. 

For example, I was finally able to stop snacking after dinner, I started dabbling in intermittent fasting, and I reduced my sugar consumption (while still enjoying treats).

For the first time ever these steps didn’t feel like punishment, they felt like loving but firm self-care. In fact, I started to enjoy the challenge and get a rush from my successes.

As I got better at these new habits I found myself exploring the idea of quitting alcohol.

And I finally took the plunge last year. I took a year off of drinking.

All of these small habits created serious changes within me.

I became more confident, I started my private practice as a therapist, and I dated differently.

I also saw some unexpected health benefits.

But I didn’t lose weight.

Because weight was never the issue!

The issue was that I wasn’t living my values fully. I was still self-sabotaging and not meeting my own needs for boundaries and soothing.

Also, I was expecting to meet someone who embodied values that I wasn’t living fully. I needed to remedy my own hypocrisy.

Incidentally, this is also the cure for “becoming your list”!

You’ve heard me preach about the magnetism of embodying all the qualities of your dream partner list. 

Well, here’s one of the ways to do it. 

Address the things you believe you need to change about yourself, but from a different angle. 

Don’t try to “fix” the issue, try to understand what it’s telling you.

My need to become less intense wasn’t about dimming my light or lowering my standards. It was about my need to learn greater emotional regulation and self-soothing.

I’m still just as opinionated, but I also know how to manage my reactions with compassion and care, which is a skill I didn’t have before. More than anything, I needed to treat myself with more compassion and care, which reduced my need to fix everybody else, or expect regulation from others.

Here’s the best part of the story.

I attracted my forever person despite all of my perceived flaws. 

He fell head-over-heels in love with my full figure, my intense emotions, my strong opinions, and my need for connection.

In fact, those are some of the things he loves most about me.

Everyday he comments on my beautiful curves or asks me to put my full weight on him. When I’m going through something heavy, he affirms my big emotions. Even when I’m giving him feedback, he tells me to keep doing what I’m doing - that he’d rather have little fires than big burns. When I tell him that I need him, he pulls me in closer and tells me how much he needs me too.

All the ways that I thought I was too much are just right for him.

I think the lesson of the story here is that our greatest shame points are actually some of our greatest strengths. Once we learn how to love and accept these parts, we can start living in alignment with them, meeting the needs that they represent with love and compassion.

In doing so, we become masters of our own magic, thus becoming our brightest selves and beacons for all that we want. 

When I love myself, I become lovable to others. 

I’ll be sure to talk more about this topic of shadow in a future email, so stay tuned.

In the meantime, how can you start to understand the underlying needs of your “unlovable” parts?

How can you start creating alignment within yourself instead of shaming yourself into being better?

Because shame is never the answer.

Only love is.

Especially self-love.